Off White Papers
The iFrank Comp Guy Smartphone Apps Suite
by Frank Monahan

WikiCompLeaks  App:

The ultimate in transparency software, this app permits you to divulge
everyone’s salary, bonus and even long term incentive grants in one
easy to use simple solution  

  • The secret to this state of the art transparency app:  white font on
    white background
  • The perfect app for those who want greater transparency while
    not ticking off those who want sensitive pay information to remain
    confidential
  • Just click on the special executive comp icon with Ben Affleck’s
    face and if your Smartphone’s sound is:
  • on, you will hear Ben denounce executives for their gall in
    accepting excessive pay packages
  • off, the app provides a calculation of how much more Ben
    Affleck makes per minute than many of your executives
  • Also included in this app is the functionality for your rank and file
    employees who can just scan their job code and the app will
    display graphs and statistics letting them know they are making
    a LOT more than they deserve
  • Produces Wiki-fast  new hire offer packages with automatic
    severance package triggered 3.6 years after the date of hire

ZUM App (Zap Uncontrolled Management):

Finally, an app that zaps out of control managers with an excruciatingly
painful but not-quite-fatal electric shock

  • Designed for those managers who just can’t help spending
    more than their annual increase budget pool
  • Zap is activated if manager submits recommendations for
    increases that are over budget
  • Shocks will continue on random but frequent basis until
    manager has resubmitted recommendations at or under budget
  • Continues working even after being dropped in the toilet* and
    cannot be uninstalled or removed from smartphone even by a
    telecom geek
  • Comes with a guarantee that the manager will not be over
    budget the following year either
  • Important warning:  wives must never find out about this app
    because we husbands know  they would try to apply it to the
    domestic electronics budget

* “haven’t really tested this because, quite frankly,  I would find such
testing repulsive” - iFrank

SalesCall of Duty App:

Really cool game app that lets your sales people try to game a
commission system

  • Just when your sales person gets close to figuring out how to
    game the system, the quota is randomly raised
  • No amount of logic can figure out how to deliver the quota
    necessary to win the game
  • This game will leave your entire sales force so exhausted they
    will not have anything left to game your real sales commission
    plan
  • No need to sell past the close, this app is bound to please CFOs
    who will love the higher revenues and lower cost of sales

CommuniCOMP App:

Plain language app that converts multi-syllabic legalese sounding
language into simple easy to understand mono-syllabic words – SEC
approval pending

  • Type in the word “remuneration” and it will automatically convert
    it to the word “pay” in 36 different languages
  • Please note:  For union personnel, it will read, “Please see your
    shop steward” in 37 languages.   Note:  It’s really only 36
    languages but one is pronounced by a guy named Vinny with
    such a strong “Brooklyn” accent that it sounds like a different
    language.
  • Converts anything that even remotely looks like a mathematical
    calculation into a multi-colored 3-D graph.   It won’t make any
    sense but it will look pretty.
  • Drive your legal team nuts with easy to understand one syllable
    words
  • Special dumb down thesaurus pop up that will allow you to write
    entire paragraphs with two and three letter words

    Editor's note:  The iFrank CompGuy Apps Suite is not currently
    available.  The main reason for this is that these apps are just a
    metaphorical gleam in the iFrank’s eye.  Furthermore, it should
    be noted that making the suite available for just a few bucks here
    and there, would be cost prohibitive to yours truly, the iFrank.  
    Consequently, my plan is to make the beta version of the suite
    available for $1 million dollars per customer in cold, hard cash.  
    If I can have just 5 such volunteers, it will make it worth my while
    to develop the applications.  So, I just need 5 volunteers to come
    forward and provide the money up front.  And if 5 of you act within
    the next 15 days (and your cash is safely deposited) I will make
    sure that I will never produce another issue of my newsletter.  
    The ball is in your court people.

    Sincerely,
    The iFrank